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The Last Few Months

It’s deadline season, which is always the time my brain goes into full on blog-writing-ideas mode, my brain is a procrastinating entity if not anything else.

It’s been a whirlwind few months, hence why I have not written a single thing (sorry). There’s been lots of change, lots of loss, lots of new things and lots of stress. Final year  has hit me like a brick to the face (I’m not great at similes, but you get the jist) and so the not-so-welcome fear and dread associated with the impending doom of adulthood looming ahead has become a daily part of my routine.

I struggled with it a lot at the start. I think when there’s so much going on you don’t overly think or deal with anything until one day, when you least expect it, BANG! Three hundred and fifty emotions, thoughts and feelings hit you and you’re so overwhelmed that all you can do is panic (not helped at all by the fact you are already a hormonal girl). You muddle on through, people probably thinking you are the most miserable human there is, complaining quite regularly, crying quite regularly – until eventually it gets a little easier to manage.

The ‘easier to manage’ part is what I want to write about today. Note I say ‘easier to manage’, not ‘yay, life is so awesome, I have everything together, woo hoo’, because for me that is extremely unrealistic. I think the easier to manage phase comes when you realise that no you do not have control over absolutely everything. That it is okay not to have it altogether. That other people are in your boat, rowing alongside you, even if they look like everything is grand.

The truth is everyone has struggles, on the outside it may look A-okay, but on the inside there’s generally always something to worry about because we are human and that is what we do. Whether it be self-esteem, loss, grief, money, looks, confidence, the future, careers, relationships… there’s always going to be something.

Yet, here is were I think the true beauty lies. It’s not in acting like I have it altogether, waking up and jumping out of bed to smile at the sun (firstly, I am not a morning person the only thing I do is growl first thing in the morning and secondly, I live in Northern Ireland, what is the sun). I think it’s in accepting that things do not work out how you think they will, that plans get messed up, that it is okay to be sad for a while and still managing to get up and face the day.

It’s in admitting that ‘hey, I’m a little bit of a mess right now’ that you realise who is there to support you. That you don’t have to be okay 100% of the time.

I will hands down admit that the most beautiful people I’ve encountered are those that are the strongest. Those that have had a genuinely crap time but pushed on through, AND then still have the time and patience to listen to my little fears and encourage me. Shout out to you.

So here we are. Admitting that it’s cool not to be cool (coming from the least cool human who is trying to be ‘hip’ by the use of the word cool). That it’s okay to be stressed and not have everything figured out. The secret is to share that stress, to talk to others and listen to others, to go easy on yourself. To treat yourself, the house I’m living in at the moment LOVES facemasks (I think the boys more so than the girls, no judgement here) so have a spa night every so often, read a book you’ve wanted to, watch a cheesy movie that you know will make you feel good… whatever your preferred niche, go for it. Take a break, you deserve it.

So – final year – I think I can handle you now.

Worth

It’s been a very long time coming, but here we go writing again. If you are an observant individual you’ll notice that this site was created in 2015, and alas, it is now 2016. It has taken me a very long time to get to now, but here we go.

It’s Mental Health Awareness week (woo!) and so I thought I’d talk a tiny bit about that. I think it’s great because it brings what usually is kept in the shadows out into the limelight.

The thing about mental health is that deterioration can happen slowly, your life getting more and more grey each day, or ย suddenly appear, generally without realisation of what is going on until it’s a bit too late. It gets progressively worse, some days you’ll have good days, some days you’ll have the worst possible days imaginable.

Over this period of time, your self-worth is stripped away, the little voice inside your head tells you that you are unworthy of others’ time, effort, love… that you’re a terribly boring person and not worth listening to anyway. Until eventually you don’t feel as though you have any worth at all. And there’s no point being here.

That’s the scariest thing, when you are your own worst enemy. When you are the person that puts yourself down and tells yourself you aren’t worth it. You don’t need anyone else to because honestly you do a better job yourself.

And so you end up trapped in this ball of worthlessness, ashamed that you’ve become so low, all confidence has disappeared and you don’t know how to get out of this rut or what to do to make things better, so you don’t do anything.

I’m writing this post because I think awareness needs to be brought to mental health. I’m writing this post because there’s so many people who suffer and feel so completely alone when they don’t have to. I’m writing this post because if it helps at least one person talk to one person and realise their worth then that is all I could hope for.

You see, those who are drowning in darkness are generally the people you would least expect. They are masters in perfecting the facade of happiness, when inside they are crumbling to pieces, afraid.

It’s a very long, twisty, dark path. It takes a very long time. I know I still have days were I don’t want to move from my bed, I don’t want to talk to a single person, I wake up in a terrible mood and I go to sleep in a terrible mood. But it’s getting there.

If you’re reading this and you are feeling like everything is grey, you don’t know what to do, I can only tell you that you are worth more than you could imagine. You deserve more than how you are feeling right now, you deserve happiness just as much as the next person. You are worth the effort, the time and the love. You are worth it*.

So please do something for yourself, don’t keep it all to yourself. Tell one person. Whether you whisper it, text it, write a letter, send a smoke signal, tell a doctor, a friend, a parent, a dog, don’t carry the burden all by yourself. Take tiny baby steps, even tinier if you need. Be patient with yourself. Admit to yourself that you aren’t okay, that you need a helping hand, and that is 100% alright.

If you’re reading this and you know someone who is feeling this way, or know someone who is struggling, help them. Listen. Have a real conversation. Don’t give up it will take a very long time maybe until someone feels comfortable enough to talk, but be patient.

I’ve been challenged a lot recently with having a real conversation, not ‘banter’, but a real pouring-out-of-the-heart conversation. So I encourage you to do it too. It can be nerve-wracking to lay cards on the table, you may feel that the other person does not want to hear about your woes, but the odds are they probably need the same thing too. Lean on people, find good people who want to be leant on.

Take tiny steps.

(*this post is in no way endorsed by L'Oreal Paris)

 

 

 

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